As I deep-dived into my Sunday afternoon musings today, I was caught up in a spiral of strange thoughts. I realized that for the most part of my life I have dealt with 2 major taboos, as a result, was told by people the prescribed way of doing the “right” things and as a result, ended up being a conformist all along. At 6, I realized that I didn’t talk like other kids in the school. I had involuntary repetitions and blocks in my speech which I later discovered was called stammering. I was told to talk slowly, not to be nervous, and that I needed to consult a Speech Therapist who equipped me with loads of techniques on how to talk fluently. In other words, how not to be “me”. I tried and failed.
In the later years of secondary school, I was fascinated by science and began to love it as a subject. I learned about Darwin’s theory of evolution and was awed by the fact that we are nothing but a celebrated species called the Homo sapiens. Later, I learned about the Big Bang and the origins of the Universe. How the solar system was formed, how stars are born and die, and that our Sun- is also a mere mortal that will eat up all its planets a million years from now. But then, it all went against the religious teachings I had as a child- that Brahma created the universe, the earth, and humans. I saw different stories of our origins from different religions and the ambiguity was jarring. Explanations from science made perfect sense and there wasn’t any ambiguity. I began to irk my mother with questions like- "How can the Varaha avatar save the earth from drowning? Water is present on the earth and probably only on the earth. If the earth was drowning then there should be water externally, which isn’t possible. And how can Varaha save the earth by balancing it on his snout? For that to occur that has to be a world external to earth. But then we all know that we are in the universe". My questions were dismissed and I was again told how it is highly essential to have faith in God, to pray, to go to the temple, and follow the rituals. As an obedient conformist, I did it- but in my mind, I always believed there is no God or a supernatural power as everyone believes. Later I went on to discover that this was called Atheism. But religion was everywhere and deeply ingrained in their lives and so I had to conform and again be not “me”. I tried and succeeded because it was easier to pretend to be religious than to pretend to be fluent!
And so, all these years, I was sometimes trying to be fluent and ended up being shy and introverted. I continued participating in the rituals and folded my hands in front of the idol in the temple while admiring the carvings on the temple walls in my mind. I never talked about stammering and atheism as both were taboo topics, not to be discussed in the public like cricket, movies, or politics.
The battle with stammering ended in 2009 when I came across TISA- a self-help association of Indian People who stammer. What helped me was- finding more people like me, who were talking about the same issues that I had faced, their struggles sounded like mine and I never felt alienated. The battle with atheism also seems to end now- after I came across 2 YouTubers- Pranav Radhakrishnan and Vijayendra Mohanty (Vimoh) who run their channels on Atheism, Pseudoscience, and Rationalist views and have formed an ecosystem of like-minded people discussing their issues, struggles on their live streamed podcasts. It was the same feeling that I had when I came across TISA- people talking about the same issues and struggles as mine, no alienation and the feeling of not being alone was liberating. I also discovered that there is politics and factions within the Atheist views too- Hindu Atheist, Agnostic Atheist, etc and how some “pure” atheist didn’t agree with the Hindu Atheists and vice versa. Politics apart, I now began to make peace with my situation of conforming to this religious world and I have begun to open up about my atheistic views with others whom I think have to wisdom to chew different ideas and see other perspectives.
I recently began to open up about Atheism with a few people who hold a very significant place in my life and who I was sure will not dismiss my thoughts as trash. My parents and family always knew about it and they have learned to accept it. My wife too knew about it and also about the conforming nature that comes with it. I sometimes have some profound discussions with my wife about God and Science. She is now beginning to make sense of some of my points, but that doesn’t deter her faith and that’s okay. Because, for me- religion is just one of the parts of life that exists and will continue to exist and I have made peace with its existence. Why should I impose my beliefs on others, just like I don’t like others to impose their beliefs on me? And moreover, why should the existence of religion come in the way of relationships, well-being, friendships, and other more important aspects of life?
The bottom line here is getting connected with the Athiest and Rationalist community is making me experience similar experiences I had when I connected with TISA. There are a lot of parallels that I can draw between the two events and how it's an emotional "action-replay" that is happening to me. Like stammering, I have now made peace with my atheism and a community of like-minded people feels empowering- be it TISA for stammering and Vimoh/Pravan YouTube Communities for atheism.
On a lighter note, this also gives me the privilege of being part of a community that is very rare- an atheist who stammers! I wonder if I will ever find another atheist who stammers in my lifetime? If I do find one, would he/she have gone through the same cycles of conforming, community self-help, and feeling liberated? I don’t know! But one thing is for sure- if in that ideal world the Government recognizes both stammering and atheism as formal “diversities” of society, I will be among those few who will enjoy the benefits that come with both- Stammering and Atheism. “God”-willing!
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